Mid Life Awakening
July 8th, 2025

by Haley Webster

Gone are the days of the term “midlife crisis.” Today, more people are embracing what’s being called a “midlife awakening.” As Carl Jung once said, “Life really begins at 40. Before that, you are just doing research.” So why the shift in language? And what has changed over time to cause us to reframe this oft-quoted expression?

Midlife has often been portrayed as something to fear or resist. It’s typically associated with decline, loss, or regret. But what if we approached this time in our lives—generally between the ages of 40 and 60—with a different mindset?

Midlife is undeniably one of the most challenging seasons. We suddenly find ourselves at or just beyond the halfway point, reflecting on our youth and who we are becoming, while also confronting the realities of aging and uncertainty. Many of us are raising teenagers while also caring for aging parents. Those of us in the so-called "sandwich generation" stumble to find that elusive life balance.

This period is often marked by increased rates of depression, anxiety, and hormonal shifts such as menopause and andropause. Divorce rates peak in midlife, and studies show that roughly 60% of midlifers report loneliness.

Father Richard Rohr describes the two halves of life this way:
“The task of the first half of life is to create a proper container for one’s life and answer the essential questions: What makes me significant? How can I support myself? Who will go with me? The task of the second half is to find the actual content that this container was meant to hold and deliver.”

This is the essence of a midlife awakening—a lens shift, a turning inward. We begin to examine our relationships more intentionally, focusing on what truly matters. We start investing energy into what brings us joy. There’s a growing clarity about what no longer serves us, and with that, a willingness to let go.

If happiness in life follows a U-shaped curve, where it is higher at the beginning and end, how can we prepare our hearts and souls for this space at the bottom? Research shows that meaningful relationships, adaptability, and purpose become the strongest predictors of long-term happiness and the antidote to loneliness. And many of us seek a deeper connection with God the older we get.

So how do we embrace a midlife awakening?
With intention and awareness, we may begin to explore new aspects of ourselves that are finally coming into view. We may begin to reinvent. We feel the tick of time. Loss and illness touch those around us, and suddenly, life feels more real. We come to terms with our vulnerability. We may begin to realize we are not invincible. We are deeply human—fallible, fragile, and perhaps for the first time, incredibly present. We relate to King David’s own reflections:

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.
You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure” (Ps. 39:4-5).

How else do we embrace midlife awakening? We look back at our younger selves with compassion. We forgive past mistakes and hold space for who we were. We soften. We become more reflective, more tender. As author Paula D’Arcy says, “God comes to you disguised as your life.” And we experience this to be so very true.

Maybe this means shifting careers. Maybe it’s returning to school. Maybe it’s simply allowing space for a new way of being in the world. As we face the back half, we do so with a quiet confidence our younger selves could hardly imagine. “For I know the plans I have for you” (Jer. 21:11) expands beyond just a Bible verse to something we recognize through life experience.

Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can be a powerful awakening—a turning point where we begin to live not from expectation, but from an awareness of who we are in our present life and the purpose God has for us in this second half.

By Leslie Peacock, LPC, MAC, Director of Counseling
 
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. We hear a lot about mental health on the news, with our family and friends, and even at church. Mental health is everywhere, but what is it and how does it relate to our relationship with God?

Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, and it affects how we think, feel, act, handle stress, make choices, and relate to others.
The Bible doesn’t refer to mental health directly but indirectly, relating to our hearts and minds, our brokenness, and finding hope in suffering:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Prov. 4:23).

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom. 12:2).

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matt. 6:34).

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline” (2 Tim. 1:7).

Even though the Bible acknowledges our suffering, mental health struggles can still be a stigmatized subject, and those of us who have depression, chronic anxiety, or a compulsive disorder may feel isolated and misunderstood.

Charles Spurgeon once said, “The mind can descend far lower than the body, for in it there are bottomless pits. The flesh can only bear a certain number of wounds and no more, but the soul can bleed in ten thousand ways, and die over and over again each hour.”For many of us, mental health issues may feel like a bottomless pit, but God offers us encouragement to persevere in our struggles and find hope, healing, and connection.
 
Mental illness is not your fault

Mental illness is a result of the fall, but it isn’t a punishment for our sins. Consider the man born blind in John 9:1-3: “As [Jesus] walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him.’”

Sin can exacerbate mental illness and stir up depression or anxiety.  And our mental health struggles can lead us into sin when we refuse to fight them. But we aren’t defined by our sin or our mental health issues. Bringing our struggles into the light helps to heal them as King David reminds us, “The Lord my God illumines my darkness” (Ps. 18:28).

John Newton reminds us how to draw near to God in our pain in a letter he wrote exhorting a friend to persevere:"All shall work together for good; everything is needful that [God] sends; nothing can be needful that [God] withholds…you have need of patience, and if you ask, the Lord will give it. But there can be no settled peace till our will is in a measure subdued. Hide yourself under the shadow of [God’s] wings; rely upon [God’s] care and power; look upon him as a physician who has graciously undertaken to heal your soul of the worst sicknesses, sin. Yield to his prescriptions, and fight against every thought that would represent it as desirable to be permitted to choose for yourself. When you cannot see your way, be satisfied that [God] is your leader. When your spirit is overwhelmed within you, [God[] knows your path: he will not leave you to sink. [God] has appointed seasons of refreshment, and you shall find that he does not forget you. Above all, keep close to the throne of grace. If we seem to get no good by attempting to draw near him, we may be sure we shall get none by keeping away from him."

God sees you and is with you

You are not alone in your struggles. God sees you and grieves with you in your pain. Remember in John 11 when Jesus wept with Lazarus’s family even knowing the resurrecting work he was about to do? He grieved alongside a grieving family. God also restores us in our suffering: “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand” (Ps. 40:2).

God draws near to us when we are hurting: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18).  And Jesus sends the Holy Spirit as a comforter and a counselor to help us even when we can’t form words, so we aren’t left alone: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (Rom. 8:26-27).

When you suffer, you are not alone

God’s people have suffered mentally, emotionally, and physically throughout the Bible. Remember Elijah during his conflict with Jezebel in 1 Kings 19? He flees to the wilderness because he wants to die. Jonah also suffered a depressed state after God spared Ninevah. King David was anxious, Jeremiah was lonely, and Job was so grieved he wished he had never been born. The Bible records Jesus’s own anguish in Matt. 27:46: “My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?”

God's Words can bring Comfort

The National Institute of Mental Health reports that 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental illness. Globally, over 970 million people live with a mental disorder. You are not alone in your struggles. James 4:8 reminds us, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” God’s words can bring comfortThe Bible shows us a wide array of emotions. When we read Job or the Psalms of lament, which compose the largest category of the psalms, we hear words like:

“Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul” (Job 7:11).

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted” (Ps. 25:16).“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation” (Ps. 42:5).

“For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol” (Ps. 88:3).

We also hear of the hope God gives us in our pain:

“He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake” (Ps. 23:3).

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isa. 41:10).

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).

It’s important to remember that we have an indelible resource in Scripture to bring comfort, healing, and hope in our mental health struggles. We also need wise counsel in times of trouble too.

Managing Your Expectations to Maximize Your Joy

Have you ever heard the saying, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations?” It's true that expectations have a significant impact on our happiness. We are happier when reality is aligned with or slightly better than what we expected.

Why are expectations important? Expectations hold our strong beliefs that something will happen in the future. And they are influenced by many things–cultural norms, past experiences, other people, our mindset, and fear of what others may think.
 
Many of us lower our expectations assuming that something won’t go well in order to manage feeling disappointed and discouraged. But low expectations train us to assume the worst and often hold us back from doing the very things that might increase our joy. Why bother going to that event because no one will talk to you anyways? Or, why bother trying a new restaurant when it’s probably just going to be a letdown? Lowering our expectations helps to manage our emotions and minimize disappointment.

However, research supports the idea that higher expectations can lead to better outcomes and performance. When teachers have higher expectations of their students, students often perform better, even if they don’t show high potential at the outset. This is known as the Pygmalion effect, after the play by George Bernard Shaw, and suggests that someone’s belief in our abilities creates a positive feedback loop that increases our performance and potential. People act as we expect them to act, and our expectations can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Furthermore, our expectations can create brain patterns that can be just as real as those created by events in the world. This is known as Expectancy theory and leads to psychological shifts like the placebo effect. For example, if someone is given a sugar pill but thinks it is real medicine, they may report feeling the side effects of the drug. Our perception of an activity or experience can define our reality of it.
So, what’s the answer? Should we lower expectations or expect the best?

Expecting Things to Go Well
Thinking positively has been shown to improve our overall health and contribute to well-being. Optimists are more likely to engage in physical exercise, eat healthy, sleep well, and follow medical advice. Optimism reduces stress and promotes production of dopamine, which is like fuel for our brain. Dopamine makes us happy, increases our motivation, and also nudges us to take more risks. So, expecting the best could have a significant impact on our health and mood.

What would it look like to expect things to go well?
-Try increasing your expectations when parking. If you’re pulling into a parking lot, imagine that you’ll find a good spot. Whether or not the parking space materializes, you may feel liberated not spending the entire time stressing about it.

-Or at work–instead of telling yourself that work will be frustrating, try setting your expectations higher: “I’m expecting that this meeting will go well and my ideas will be heard.”
 
-Many of us struggle with falling asleep. Try increasing your expectations before sleep and if you wake up in the middle of the night, say to yourself, “I expect that I’ll fall back asleep quickly.” You may fall asleep faster than you think!

But what happens when we set too high expectations on ourselves?  When we don’t meet our own expectations our brain shifts into protection mode to preserve our self worth. How many times have you gone to a workout expecting to perform at a certain level and then beat yourself up afterwards because you couldn’t meet your standard? Or for a presentation, a date, a holiday? Doubt, insecurity, and fear abound when we set high expectations and fail to meet them. So, is lowering our expectations the answer?
 
Expecting Things to Get Worse

Many of us would prefer to expect the worst in a situation, considering all possible negative outcomes, and being pleasantly surprised if it goes well. One research study on expectations had adults play a game that was rigged and half the group would win and the other half would lose. All received a pencil as their prize, whether they won or lost. Adults who won the game reported significant disappointment at the pencil prize while those who lost and still got the pencil reported feeling moderately good. Our expectations influence how we think about the outcome especially when we set them too high.

But sometimes expecting the worst can actually bring out the worst. If you expect something to go wrong, you may put in less effort and make it worse than it would have been. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy in reverse: constantly ruminating on bad experiences from the past, replaying mistakes in your head, making pessimistic predictions about the future, always zeroing in on the negatives, and thinking your negative predictions are inevitable and you have no control over them.
 
Even though adjusting our expectations to reality is important, low expectations can keep you from taking risks and making efforts that lead to more joy, success, and connection. And over time can shrink your world and leave you feeling more discouraged and isolated.

Meeting in the Middle

So what can we do about the paradox of expectations? How do you set expectations of yourself and others without causing undue pressure, stress, and threat? How do you strive for more while holding outcomes lightly? Should you set the bar low so you don’t get disappointed or set the bar high to stretch yourself?

This question reminds me of the caterpillar sitting on the mushroom in Alice and Wonderland. You may remember that Alice can’t tell whether she wants to be bigger or smaller and the caterpillar tells her to nibble on one side of the mushroom to get taller and the other side to get smaller.
 
In some situations we need to adjust our expectations to match the reality of the situation. When we anticipate a vacation, expect that some things won’t go according to plans. When we host a family gathering, we have to lower our expectations for what family members are able to give to us relationally. At work, we have to expect that people will disappoint us –no one is perfect and people make mistakes.

This requires psychological flexibility–the capacity to be in contact with what is happening in the present, adapt to changes, and react in creative and healthy ways according to what we value. We can make back-up plans for a trip, talk to family about expectations for the gathering, and discuss work values with our co-workers to manage our standards.
But to live life as God intended, we also have to expect more. Throughout the Bible, God encourages hope in his people:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint” (Isa. 40:31).

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13).

We’re even told in Romans 12:12 to “rejoice in hope.” Because God has given us all we need in Christ we can have an optimistic view of our lives and our future. We don’t have to expect the worst in every situation to protect ourselves because we can trust that God has the best in mind for us, no matter the outcome.
 
If we are discouraged because something didn’t go as planned, devastated by a relationship, or even grieved from a loss–we can persevere through those unmet expectations from hope that there is something better on the other side of our sadness. “We glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Rom. 5:3-4). God is with us in our expectations, our disappointments, our hopes, and our desires–may we continue to trust God in every area of our life as we look forward to what is to come.

What is perfectionism?

“I was genuinely of the belief that perfectionism was the one thing that was holding me up when everything around me was collapsing,” says author Thomas Curran. “But it was actually perfectionism that was creating those problems.”

Perfectionism can blind us to our achievements while enforcing impossible standards upon ourselves. Trying (and failing) to meet these expectations from ourselves can be destructive, and perfectionism can make us vulnerable to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and early death. Basically, it’s the secret ingredient to a miserable life!  

In the 1950’s psychoanalyst Karen Horney described the “tyranny of the shoulds” – defining the inner turmoil we feel when pursuing the elusive idealized version of ourselves. Today’s experience of “shoulds” is exponentially increased– social media, self-help industry, life coaches, personal trainers, positive thinking, manifestation, cosmetic surgery, body-image disorders, all kinds of vitamins and drugs–reflect the increasingly extreme efforts we use to perfect ourselves.

Perfectionism may be a poison, but to many of us, it’s also the antidote. Victoria Pendleton, 6-time world cycling champion said, “I just want to prove that I am really good at something and I haven't quite done that yet–at least not to myself.” Curran summarizes: “Perfectionism isn’t a behavior. It’s a way of thinking about yourself.”

For many of us, perfectionism has provided us with success, approval, and even a sense of mastery in our lives. But it’s also grooving the brain into rigid black-and-white thinking and leaves us paralyzed to make choices that negatively impact our most loving relationships.
By constantly striving for the absolute best we might miss out on opportunities to achieve something that is still good enough. Can good enough be good enough?

How can we recognize perfectionism?

-All-or-nothing thinking
Perfectionists  work hard to achieve lofty goals but will accept nothing less than perfection. Almost perfect is seen as a failure and good enough isn’t an option.

-Being highly critical
A perfectionist focuses on imperfections and has trouble seeing anything else.

-Pushed by fear
Perfectionists are often pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

-Having unrealistic standards
Perfectionists set their initial goals out of reach.

-Focusing only on results
Perfectionists are so concerned with hitting the goal and avoiding failure that they can’t enjoy the process of growing and striving.

Procrastination
Perfectionists will worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and don’t do anything at all.

How do we manage our perfectionism?

-Challenge Your Perfectionistic Thinking
Don’t allow self-critical thoughts or catastrophic thinking to take root and challenge those thoughts.
Instead of thinking: “If I don’t spend at least 5 hours on this presentation, it won’t be any good and I’ll be looked over for the promotion.”
 Try this: “My work track record is pretty good and my presentation is pretty good too. I’ll do the best I can and there will be other opportunities in the future to demonstrate my talent.”

-Be More Compassionate
People who are perfectionists tend to be self-critical. They believe this self-criticism is needed to keep them motivated to achieve. But judgment typically doesn’t work for us and can erode our sense of self-worth and well-being. Being imperfect is part of the human condition.
Instead of thinking: “I’m a terrible mom because I yelled at my kids this morning and I’ll never get it right with them.”
Try this: “My emotions got the best of me and that’s not the end of the world. I can apologize and ask for forgiveness and work to manage my emotions next time.”

-Keep Things In Perspective
Perfectionists tend to get bogged down in the details in an effort to make everything perfect. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself a few questions to put the details into perspective.
Instead of thinking: “I can’t believe I said that–it came out the wrong way and she’ll never forgive me.”
Try this: “What’s the worst that could happen?”Or,  “I can’t read people’s minds and they probably aren’t thinking about me.” Or, “Will this matter next week or even next year?”

-Slowly Let Go of Your Perfectionistic Standards
It’s hard to go from striving for perfection to “good enough” overnight. Thinking of reducing your perfectionistic standards as stepping down some stairs. The first step might be spending 4 hours instead of 5 on your presentation. The next time you may only spend 3 hours. As you slowly let go of those unrealistic standards, you may begin to realize that life will go on.

-Practice Being Imperfect
If you set out to make mistakes and be imperfect, then the thing you’ve been so afraid to do actually becomes a success! When we avoid things, we give them power. So the relief we feel from avoiding mistakes only reinforces it and makes it bigger. By intentionally making a mistake, it takes the power away from the fear of it. You may begin to realize that you are resilient enough to tolerate imperfection.

Voltaire famously said, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”  What would it be like to embrace being “good enough?”

-Embrace God’s Unconditional Love for You
We need the right kind of messages to reinforce our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The Bible is consistent in reminding us of God’s unconditional love for us–no matter our faults or failings:

Deut. 7:6–”For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.”

Zeph. 3:17–”The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Ps. 139:14–”I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.”

Rom. 5:8–”But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were sinners Christ died for us.”

Eph. 2:10–For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”


Finding joy and connection

One more reason to let go of perfectionism–it can deepen your bonds with others and actually lead to more joy! The “Pratfall Effect,” a social psychology concept, suggests that making mistakes actually makes you more likable rather than less likable. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, laugh at our missteps, and to fully engage in an activity without ego, we connect more deeply with others and find some humor along the way.

Deep Calls to Deep: Taking Small Steps to Go Deeper Through Counseling

By Leslie Peacock, MAC, LPC, Director of Counseling
 
One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 42. The honesty and imagery the psalmist evokes in lines like, “my tears have been my food day and night” and “my soul is cast down within me” have offered encouragement for me to express similar sentiments over the years.
One of the lines in this psalm has always stood out to me:
 
Deep calls to deep            
At the roar of your waterfalls (v. 7)

This is somewhat of a cryptic line amid a psalm about loss and longing and a soul that is inexplicably downcast. The deep outside calls to the deep within. What does this mean? The psalmist longs to be in the presence of God, but it’s like swimming in the deep ocean, immense, frightening, powerful, beautiful…where answers don’t come easily, where pain is exposed, where healing requires transformation.
 
2024 may have been a year full of memorable experiences, surprises, joyful memories for you. And it could have also held many disappointments, heartache, and loss. The deep outside of our circumstances often calls to the deep parts within us, stirring up depth of pain that we try to avoid.
 
Pastor and theologian Charles Spurgeon put it this way, saying: “In proportion to your tribulations shall be your consolations! If you have shallow sorrows, you shall receive shallow graces; but if you have deep afflictions, you shall obtain the deeper proof of the faithfulness of God!”
As an adult, I find myself gravitating towards shallow waters, scrolling through my phone instead of reaching towards one of the novels on my bedside table; letting conversations stay light instead of engaging topics that might be more challenging; doing idle tasks rather than my Bible study.
 
We have constructed countless ways to avoid looking at the mess and brokenness within our hearts. It feels simpler to avoid the hard questions, ignore our own selfishness, and fill our days with busy activity. Deep calls out to deep, but sometimes I long to stay shallow.
 
What would it take to go deeper? For me, taking a small step rather than a big one is more realistic. I need to put my phone on silent and do my Bible Study first before undertaking any house chores. According to research, studies show that making small, incremental changes over time is significantly more likely to lead to lasting change rather than attempting something drastic all at once. This is called the “Kaizen” philosophy, and it makes perfect sense, but many of us are impatient to wait on change. We feel pressure to do it now in January and all at once!

As a counselor, I know the tension between our desire to change parts of our lives and the apprehension to reach out for help. Taking the small step of making an appointment or even asking friends for a counseling recommendation feels immense. But oftentimes, taking that small, courageous step for help is the hardest part. Like showing up to a new workout class or reaching out to a prospective employer—the hardest part is taking the first step to show up or make the call.
 
The purpose of The Barnabas Center is to offer Christ-centered counseling to individuals and families across Houston and help navigate the deep waters of their lives through individual counseling as well as groups, seminars, and other psycho-educational and support opportunities. We long to find healing, meaning and hope for our lives and it’s a privilege to walk alongside you in your personal journey. Counseling requires you to go deep—it’s so vulnerable! But it’s so worth taking that first step because of the strength, understanding, and peace that comes from exploring the deep waters of our lives.
 
Let’s go deep together. The Barnabas Center will be hosting several Counseling Groups this Spring and we continue to offer individual, couples, and family counseling. Reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com for more information about our counseling services and to connect with a counselor.  

Why the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Can Be the Hardest
The holiday season is a wonderful time of the year. But it can also be a very challenging time too. Many of us have lost loved ones during the holidays. Or, missing our loved ones at special meals and holiday celebrations brings up a lot of sadness this time of year. Many parties and gatherings take place with family, friends, or co-workers. But those events can also bring up painful feelings too. Someone recently reflected to me that she couldn’t bring herself to attend her office Christmas party alone again this year. The shame of going alone to an event without a spouse or significant other felt unbearable. Feelings of loneliness can increase our sadness and depression at a time when we feel like we’re supposed to be joyful. Author Nicholas Wolterstorff says this about grief: “Grief is a special kind of suffering. It’s intensely wanting what you know cannot be.” How do we deal with our grief at the holidays but also celebrate the joy and hope of the season?
 
An Emotional Rollercoaster
            First, let’s understand what grief is exactly. Grief is a complex set of emotions that includes feelings of sadness, anger, regret, guilt, confusion, and fear. Grief can feel like riding an “emotional rollercoaster.” We feel grief when we’ve lost something. Loss can take on many forms—it can come from a death or a physical loss like losing your job or your home. Loss can happen when we get a devastating health diagnosis or an unmet dream or desire goes unfulfilled. We assumed our life would turn out differently, and feelings of frustration, sadness, and grief take over.
All emotions are important information about what’s going on inside us. 
Different senses bring us news from our bodies, our minds, and the outside world. Our brain then processes and analyzes it and formulates our experience. Then, we get a feeling! The word emotion means to “move” or “excite,” and our bodies respond accordingly. Grief fills our bodies with feeling: we get tense from guilt or regret, sluggish from sadness, or sometimes explosive frustration from feelings of anger.
 
Listening to Your Grief
So why is listening to our emotions significant? Oftentimes, our feelings can be inconvenient or confusing. They tend to get in the way, so we shut them down to move on with life. If we ignore our feelings, they will go away, right? But our unattended emotions don’t go away if we just ignore them. Rather, they get bigger, and they get transmitted in other harmful ways. You might find yourself angrier and yelling more than usual. Or maybe you feel a debilitating anxiety when you wake up or go to sleep. Ignoring your feelings only makes them stronger and more defective. Author Mark Brackett puts it this way: “Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile like a debt that will eventually come due.”
 
Listening to our feelings is the first step in moving through them so they don’t cause more damage. This is like attending to the “check engine” light in our cars—we must investigate what the light means so the car doesn’t break down. But an important note: Just because we listen to what our emotions are telling us doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Your sadness might be telling you that your grief is so overwhelming you don’t think you can get through it….life feels hopeless! So, you need to stay in bed all day. This information about your sadness is important to understand about what is happening inside of you, but you don’t necessarily need to act on your sadness. Just as checking the engine light helps us to know about the car’s issue, so too our emotions can help us to know what’s going on inside of us. Rather than stuffing your sadness or just reacting to it, listening to what it is telling you can help guide you in how to effectively respond to your feelings of grief.
 
Moving Through Grief During the Holidays
So how do we deal with grief during the holidays? I’ve heard countless people cry in frustration that they don’t want to feel sad this time of the year, but they can’t stop the tears. Rather than fearing the emotional rollercoaster that our grief can take us on, consider how you can ride the emotional waves of grief instead. Waves come and go; sometimes they feel big like they will overtake us, but they also recede. A surfer doesn’t fight a wave that comes their way but moves with it and rides its natural tide and we can do the same with our emotions. And knowing the waves are temporary may help us not to fear them quiet so much.  
 
As feelings of regret, frustration, or sadness come up, show yourself compassion towards these feelings rather than beating yourself up for them. The holiday season brings our losses into sharper focus than other months—that’s okay! We don’t feel our grief in August or February like we do in the month of December. Give yourself permission to feel sad. Looking through photos, listening to nostalgic music, or watching a movie you enjoyed with your loved one are all part of the grieving process. Some experiences draw us into intense emotions related to loss, and there can be a sweetness in the pain we feel when priming our memories of shared experiences that we can never have again.
 
On the other hand, we need to balance these activities with more restoration-oriented behaviors. Busy-work activities like raking leaves, cleaning the house, or physical exercise can be a balm for the grieving heart. Spending time with people who care about us can distract us from grief too. Consider volunteering and serving during the holidays. Serving others reduces our stress and boosts our mood, self-esteem, and joy.
 
There is no right or wrong in grieving during the holiday season. It’s a season mixed with joy and sorrow, and we have a savior who knows those experiences well: “the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). Christians celebrate Advent beginning on the fourth Sunday before Christmas. Advent is derived from the Latin word meaning “coming” or “arrival.” It is a season when we look back to Christ’s first coming, as a baby born in Bethlehem, and look forward to his second coming when he will return to renew and redeem every part of fallen creation. Jesus Christ has come and will come again. The Advent season is a time to reflect upon the promises of God and to anticipate the fulfillment of those promises. It is a time for remembering and rejoicing. If you are grieving, Advent is a season to help to guide you in your grief, in both remembering and looking ahead. Pastor Tim Keller says, “God is very patient with us when we are desperate. Pour out your soul to him.” After all, we are promised that “those who go forth weeping, bearing their seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves” (Psalm 126:6). Our grief is never the end of the story.  
 
Reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com if you would like to connect with a counselor this holiday season. We don’t want you to struggle alone! The Barnabas Center offers Gospel-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with you in whatever season of grief you find yourself. We also regularly host Grieving with Hope, a counseling group to help you move through your grief in community. Please visit www.barnabascenterhou.com for information about The Barnabas Center and upcoming groups.

REGISTER HERE
Our mind and bodies are deeply connected and impacted by the food and nutrients that we consume. Taking Care of Your Body and Mind in the New Year will address how our gut health is related to our mental health and what we can do to improve ourselves, mind, body, and soul.
Please join us beginning on Wednesday January 24 from 11:15am-12:30pm as we explore topics such as Gut Health, Healthy Nutrients, How Stress and Anxiety Affect our Bodies, and Developing a Healthy Lifestyle. The format for this seminar will include teaching as well as discussion and group reflection.
 
Session 1 // What is Gut Health?. – A general nutrient plan to follow for four weeks while we learn how stress, food, and environment impact our mental health and desired physical results.
Session 2 // How the brain and the gut are connected – Specific foods and lifestyle adjustments that help fuel positive moods and productivity, while also seeing physical results.
Session 3 // The relationship between nutrients and anxiety – how one impacts the other, with a direct, research-backed plan on how to support both.
Session 4 // Making this a lifestyle – healthy swaps and lifestyle shifts to adopt for 2024 so that you can feel your desired best, mind, body, and soul.

Presented by Meredyth Fletcher, LPC – graduate student and NTP, RWP,  Sarah Rechtermann, LPC – graduate student and IIN, and Leslie Peacock, MAC, LPC, Director of Counseling. Limited childcare is available for additional cost at registration.  The cost for this 4-week seminar is $100. Registration opens January 3, 2024.

Worry, Stress, and Anxiety: What’s the Difference?
November 13th, 2023
by Leslie Peacock
 
Emotions like worry, stress, and anxiety have important functions in our lives. We tend to label some emotions as “good” and others as “bad,” but all our emotions serve important purposes in our life experiences. The word “emotion” means to “move or excite,” so when we feel an emotion something is happening in our minds and bodies. We use words like “heartache” and “gut-wrenching” to describe our experiences because emotions involve our physical bodies too.
 
So, what is happening when we feel something? Our emotions are providing information to us about our circumstances, and we need to pay attention to them. But just because we listen to our emotions doesn’t mean we have to act on them. They are telling us something, but we often assume if we ignore a feeling it will go away. However, hurt feelings don’t vanish, and they don’t heal themselves. Oftentimes, emotions turn into something more significant and can come out in disordered ways like explosive anger or debilitating anxiety. Paying attention to our emotions helps us connect with our current circumstances and what’s happening in our bodies.  
 
Emotions like worry, stress, and anxiety often get a bad rap but they play an important role in our lives. Worry is the thinking part of anxiety. It has to do with thoughts. We say to ourselves, “I’m worried that she is mad at me.” Worry isn’t necessarily a bad feeling though. Worry helps us to solve problems. For example, if you worry about something, it will prompt you to action: “I’m worried that my back door isn’t sufficient, and someone could break in. So, I’m going to get it repaired soon.”
 
Sometimes our worry can grow into more extreme thoughts and concerns that are out-of-touch with reality. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:25 not to worry about our lives including worrying about what to drink or wear. Corrie Ten Boom famously said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” Our over-concerns don’t accomplish anything and can drain us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  
 
What about stress? Stress is the body’s physiological response to fear. Feelings of stress arise inside our bodies when we are reacting to something dangerous. Stress can be both instinctual and unconscious. It can also serve a purpose and help us to escape real threats. For instance, sweating from stress helps us stay cool; and adrenaline can help us to perform or motivate us to action if we need to run away. However, if stress is chronic, if we over-stress, it can have serious consequences like high blood pressure, heart disease, and other illnesses.
 
Anxiety is at the intersection of these 2 responses. Anxiety can help to alert us if we are in danger. If you are standing on the edge of a cliff, your anxiety about falling will make you step back from the edge. Our fears can help to protect us in dangerous situations. Fear can be instructive, and the Bible assumes that we will experience fear in this life:
“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you” (Ps. 56:3)
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life” (Matt. 6:25).
 
 
But our anxiety can also have negative consequences. Anxiety is rooted in the limbic system, the part of the brain that manages our emotions and relationships, and it can feel like a foreboding dread. Anxiety becomes disordered when we feel like we are in danger, but we are actually safe. Our anxiety kicks in when we are stuck in a small space like an elevator, and we feel like we might die if we don’t get off.  Anxiety is telling us that being in a small space is dangerous and deadly. If our anxiety dominates our lives, our world will shrink because we will orient all our decisions on avoiding fearful circumstances. To manage our anxiety, we need to address both the worry and stress in our lives. So, what can we do?
 
Here are a few skills to practice to address the worry, stress, and anxiety in your life:
 
-Don’t avoid things that are fearful. Avoidance grows anxiety. Every time you get anxious and avoid something and survive, your brain increases anxiety in that area. Avoidance can make your world very small and unhappy.
 
-Build emotional muscles. When you make facing your fears a normal part of your life, it does get easier. Our brain is like a big muscle, and the more you practice something, the stronger those neural pathways get. For example, if you have social anxiety and dread going to a large social gathering, plan to meet a friend ahead of time so you’re not alone.
 
-Choose something that matters more. If you feel anxious before a soccer tryout or a big presentation, remember what matters most to you. Practice the willingness to do something that is challenging and might cause you a little anxiety. Anxiety isn’t dangerous, it’s uncomfortable. Courage doesn’t mean the absence of fear but choosing something that is more important than avoiding fear.
 
-Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you to sit with your experience, your emotions, and your thoughts without needing to escape or avoid them. We live in a very distracted way and mindfulness helps us to focus on one thing at a time. The Bible instructs us to have the “mind of Christ” (Phil 2:5) and to “take every thought captive” (2 Cor. 10:5). When God commissioned Joshua to lead the Israelites into the promised land, He said, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success” (Josh. 1:8).
 
Giving attention to our thoughts helps us to combat our fears, and meditating on a single verse or practicing stillness in prayer are good mindful practices. Lectio Divina (Divine Reading) was introduced in the sixth century by Saint Benedict and his followers. This form of meditation and prayer comprised several steps by which they focused on a particular text, thinking about it from various angles, praying with it, and meditating on God’s message to them through that passage.
 
Here’s an example of Lectio Divina:
Silence- Take time to be silent: prepare to communicate with God as He expresses          Himself to you in the passage of Scripture you have chosen. After a period of quiet,              ask God’s help as you enter this session of meditative prayer.
 
Read- Read a short passage of Scripture aloud several times slowly. Allow its words          and meanings to sink into your soul.
 
         Meditate- Meditation is like chewing. It is slow and thorough. Write notes about what          you see in this passage. Make connections between the various sections. Ask                       yourself, “What do these words from God say?” “What do they mean?” Place who you           are and what you do next to this passage and ask God to examine you. Continue to               write your findings.
 
Prayer- Pray using the passage as an outline for your prayer. Read the passage                      phrase-by-phrase, responding to God after each phrase or verse.
 
         Contemplation- Wait in stillness once more. Ask that God bring to your mind any                    areas of your life that you need to shape more closely to His design as revealed in                this passage. Contemplate God’s love and power as it is revealed here.
 
         Live It Out- What precisely ought you to be believing, thinking, and doing as a result              of this passage? Make notes about how you hope to bring these words from Jesus               into your current practice.
 
 
-Practice grounding. Our senses anchor us to our body and our surroundings. Ask these questions:
“What am I noticing in my body?”
“What am I noticing in my breath?”
“What’s happening in my feelings?”
“What’s happening in my thoughts?”
“What’s happening in my heart?”
 
Or, notice around you what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. (This works great with kids too!) If you are feeling anxious name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. As we activate our sensory experiences, our body will be grounded away from the fight/ flight response and back to a stabilized state.
 
 
Our feelings of worry, stress, and anxiety can often feel like a battle. But as Christians, the battle is a sign of life. That’s good news. Our struggle with our emotions isn’t a sign that something is wrong with us or with our loved ones. JC Ryle in his book, Holiness, says that Christians are known for both their peace and their warfare. We have peace with God because we are justified, but we are at war with sin in ourselves. The battle between our flesh and spirit is a sign that God is at work in us. But we don’t just let the battle wage on or give in to it. Rather, we engage in it.
 
Engaging with our emotional experiences such as worry, stress, and anxiety helps us to connect more deeply to our heart’s most intimate feelings. Prov. 20:5 says, “The purpose of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” God made us with deep and complex emotions and gave us hearts, minds, and bodies to engage them. Encountering the deep matters of our own hearts will connect us more deeply to the heart of God. And he walks with us every step of the way. Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.” Let us all draw near to God in our burdens and concerns and trust his ever-present mercy and strength to sustain us.
 
If you would like additional resources to address your worry, stress, or anxiety, please reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com or visit our website www.barnabascenterhou.com to connect with a counselor The Barnabas Center offers Christ-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with you in whatever season of anxiety, stress or worry you find yourself in, especially during this holiday season.
 

Why Counseling is Important for Children
November 6th, 2023

by Leslie Peacock
 
As parents you might have wondered at some point if your child needs counseling. Questions may come up such as: 
– What are issues that a professional counselor could help with? 
– When do I know if my child needs outside help? 
– How does it benefit a child to talk to someone outside of our family? 
– What does therapy look like for a child? 
 
How Counseling Can Help
What do we do when we see a disruption in our child’s life or persistent out-of-the-ordinary behavior? Or our child goes through something painful? Sometimes as parents we don’t want our kids to be in distress or feel uncomfortable, so we accommodate their fears by removing stressors or worries with distractions. Maybe a play date or new sports team will help. Or, we avoid discussing topics with our children that are heavy, complicated, or confusing assuming that children will not think about them if we don’t bring them up. 
 
But children are already thinking, interpreting, and drawing conclusions about themselves and their lives regardless of our interferences. Pain doesn’t harm children, but unresolved pain can have a significant impact. If we don’t allow our children the space to process difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences, they will grow into something more extreme. Sadness can lead to depression and frustration can lead to “acting out” behaviors. 
 
Children need emotional support when they are dealing with experiences such as life changes, social anxiety, frustration at school, feelings of grief, or self-image issues. As adults, we can look back on our experiences and use them as guidance as we seek future outcomes. But children don’t have these built-in bonus life experiences. Research shows that a child’s brain continues to develop well into their 20’s, so it’s hard for them to imagine a better future when their brains are still maturing and cataloging knowledge. 
 
Counseling helps children learn how to navigate their emotions and ask for help when they are feeling overwhelmed. Learning how to regulate emotions and connect their feelings and behavior helps children gain more control over their feelings, decreasing their anxiety and worry while increasing their self-confidence and self-efficacy. As parents we want our children to develop qualities that mirror Christ, teaching them to be strong and powerful. Making sense of their emotional world will empower children to be more responsive and less reactive in their lives. 
 
How Children’s Counseling is Unique
Children need all kinds of relationships to grow—family relationships, teachers, coaches, tutors, friends, and mentors to name a few. But a counseling relationship is unique because the purpose of a counseling session is to help a child understand and process their thoughts and feelings, learn new skills to manage them, and grow in their connection to themselves. Counseling is solely focused on a child’s insight into themselves and their relationships. And counseling offers a child the opportunity to talk fully and freely about themselves, their wonderings, fears, and aspirations in a safe and confidential space. At a time when children are learning how to form relationships, a counseling relationship can play a significant role in your child’s development. 
 
How Children’s Counseling Works
Counselors are trained to help with all sorts of issues and situations such as: 
-Family problems or family transitions 
-Issues at school 
-Health problems 
-Emotions such as sadness, anger, stress, worry, and grief 
-ADHD 
-Self-harm 
-Disruptive behaviors 
-Trauma 
The counselor works to build a trusting relationship with your child so they can communicate openly. Trust and safety are at the center of creating lasting relationships, and the counselor will take time and consideration into forming a trusting relationship with the child. No matter the type of therapy or initial issue being addressed, a counselor’s primary goal is to provide a safe, comfortable space for children to feel understood. 
 
Types of therapy for children include play therapy, talk therapy, family therapy, EMDR for trauma (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), and cognitive-behavioral therapy. These can be done in many creative ways to appeal to your child and their developmental age. For instance, in play therapy a child will “play out” issues as a way to problem-solve in real life. This can be done with games, art, sand tray figures, storytelling or other play experiences that allow kids to express themselves through their most natural response in play. 
 
When children learn how to express their feelings and emotions, handle stress in healthy ways, and use mindfulness and relaxation exercises to develop self-care, they will be better equipped as adults. 
 
What Can You Do?
Children interpret life and experiences whether we talk to them about it or not. Counseling can help a child develop communication skills and emotional regulation around their inner world so that they can draw helpful conclusions about themselves and their circumstances. 
 
Counseling also helps parents grow in their communication skills too as many counselors will regularly consult with parents on ways to engage and connect with their child as insights are gained through counseling. Parents may benefit from their own counseling or family therapy sessions to learn how to support and connect with their child. Parenting offers us an opportunity to develop the image of God in our children and prepare them for adulthood. And children’s counseling is a significant resource to support families in their parenting journey. 
 
We would love to come alongside you and your child in whatever season you find yourself. We offer counseling to children, adolescents, and families as well as ADHD assessments for children and adults. Please visit our website www.barnabascenterhou.com for more information about counseling and assessments or reach out to us directly at connect@barnabascenterhou.com.
 

Many of us struggle to focus and stay on task in a busy and distracted world. Perhaps you have considered ADHD (Attention-deficiency/hyperactive disorder) as a possible reason for your symptoms and behavior or those of a loved one.  It’s important to have the right information about ADHD, its symptoms, and what help is available because ADHD can impact our academic and professional pursuits, interpersonal relationships, and daily functioning.  

The Barnabas Center will host an informational coffee on Thursday, October 26 from 9:45AM to 11:00AM at Christ the King in the Great Hall to help you learn more about ADHD, ADHD Assessments, and resources to promote healing and growth. Caroline McKee, MABC, LPC is trained in the Brown Executive Function/ Attention Scales and will answer questions about receiving an assessment and how we can support our loved ones.
 
Click here to RSVP to this event.
Caroline McKee, MABC, LPC enjoys partnering with families and children as they encounter behavioral concerns, anxiety, depression, loss, conflict, and family transitions. Caroline believes that parents are an important part of the counseling process and works alongside parents to support the whole family. Caroline is trained to administer the Brown Executive Function/ Attention Scales Assessment which describes symptoms in agreement with a diagnosis of ADHD. This assessment screens for and assesses the clinical symptoms of ADHD as listed in the DSM-5 (a reference manual on mental health conditions). This assessment is a valuable tool along with a client’s therapeutic history and personal experiences. The assessment provides clarity and direction in an individual’s therapeutic journey as well as their academic and career pursuits. 
 
For more information regarding the assessment, including pricing and availability, please reach out to Caroline directly at caroline.mckee@barnabascenterhou.com.

Better Together: Why Group Counseling is an Important Discipleship Tool- Part 1
August 29th, 2023

By Leslie Peacock

Group counseling is an effective tool for discipleship, growth, and change in our lives. Group Counseling not only encourages our connections with others but also provides a safe and confidential space to practice things like effective listening, empathy, and vulnerability.

There are many benefits to Group Counseling, but one I’ve heard consistently over the years from participants is that they feel “seen” by others. What is it about being “seen” that feels so good to us? Being “seen” isn’t exactly an emotion. It’s not like being watched, but more that I’m recognized, understood, and affirmed. There’s a deep validation when we are seen, and it was God’s design for us to experience this. In the first chapter of Genesis God says, “Let us make mankind in our image” (Gen. 1:26) and as God addresses the world, his intention for man and woman was not simply to live together but that we would be known by one another.

When God brings Eve to Adam, she mirrors Adam to herself as if saying, “I’m not just a Helper to Adam, but I’m helping him to see himself.” The Bible consistently tells us that we don’t really know ourselves until we see ourselves in someone else’s eyes. And it feels good!

We see our need for others in neuroscience too. Dopamine is known as the “feel good” hormone in our brains. It gives us a sense of pleasure, and our brains are wired to seek out behaviors that release dopamine in our reward system. When you’re doing something pleasurable, your brain releases a large amount of dopamine. You feel good and you seek more of that feeling.

When we feel seen or known the brain releases dopamine in our bodies, and that feel-good-feeling makes us want to pursue more of it—to seek deeper relationships. It’s what allows us to be more open and vulnerable as we feel safe with others.

However, many of us don’t have these kinds of relationships in our lives. Maybe it’s hard to open up to friends or family for fear of judgment, criticism or advice. Addictions are on the rise due to self-isolation because the absence of social connection and support intensifies the struggle and perpetuates a cycle of relapse. For many of us, our
anxiety and depression increases because lack of social interaction worsens our emotional distress–increasing stress, fear, and loneliness.

So, what is the solution? God made us a lot like plants; just as plants need light and nutrients to grow, we need other people to grow and change too. He made us to be known by others, and when we are connected to them in safe and life-giving relationships, we will thrive. We need relationships to grow, but we also must learn how to cultivate them in ways that are safe, trustworthy, and life-giving.

Group Counseling gives us an opportunity to be seen and known by others in a safe and confidential space guided by a trained counselor who can help reinforce our listening, empathy, and vulnerability. If you want to practice safe relationships, opening up, and sharing your struggles, a counseling group is a great way to build safe and trustworthy relationships. Brene Brown says, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

Love is at the center of our growth, and developing these kinds of relationships in opportunities like Group Counseling can transform our lives and our communities. The Barnabas Center regularly hosts Group Counseling to help facilitate deep connections with one another around a particular subject and enhance our personal growth and change. We would invite you to consider one of our upcoming groups. Please visit our website at www.barnabascenterhou.com for more information about upcoming groups and reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com with any questions about upcoming Group Counseling.

Better Together: Why Group Counseling is an Important Discipleship Tool- Part 2
August 29th, 2023

By Leslie Peacock

Giving and receiving help from others can heal us in significant ways. Those of us who go to individual counseling develop a relationship with a counselor one-on-one as understanding, insights, and connections are made. This relationship is both meaningful and impactful because the vulnerability shared helps build trust and safety that can carry over into how we relate to others.This therapeutic alliance helps facilitate healing and growth. One professor put it this way: “It’s primary [the counseling relationship] in the sense of being the horse that comes before the carriage, with the carriage being the interventions.” A trusting relationship is at the heart of successful counseling.

So why does Group Counseling matter? Group Counseling can be just as effective as individual counseling offering us the opportunity to share emotions, questions, and struggles with others. Studies show similar links to the relationships among group members as impactful to our growth and change. Hearing others share their story reminds us that we aren’t alone in our challenges. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good that man should be alone,” and we are better together than by ourselves.

Some of us have developed an ethos of independence by living our lives apart from needing others. When we were young, we were taught to take care of ourselves: tie your shoes, pick up your toys, drive a car, and be responsible. Becoming independent is a normal pathway to maturity as we take on challenges and learn to accomplish new things by ourselves. Independence is a natural part of growing up, but it can also be a hindrance. Brene Brown says, “One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on ‘going it alone.’ Somehow, we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone.”

If we try to grow spiritually in the same way that we grow developmentally, it will produce frustration and hinder our growth. Spiritual growth is counterintuitive because it occurs when we become more dependent on God and others, not less. This is why Group Counseling can be an effective discipleship tool to help us grow more deeply in our connection with God and others.

Group Counseling helps us not only connect to others in similar circumstances, but also gives us an opportunity to practice honesty and openness in a safe and confidential space. I often brainstorm with clients ways to practice building trust, active listening, and
vulnerability in their everyday relationships. But this can be intimidating and fearful. What if we open up about a struggle to a friend and are dismissed? What if someone tries to fix our problem rather than listen to our heart?

Words can have a significant impact on us, and the Bible has a lot to say about how we use them. James 3:6 says, “the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness” and our words, although well-meaning, do more damage than good. I often hear stories of fixing, advice-ing, judging, and shaming among friends and family. But Group Counseling offers protective barriers and limits around ignorant and harsh words so that you can practice vulnerability and openness in a safe and confidential environment. We read in Proverbs that “Gracious words are like…sweetness to the soul” (16:24) and what more do our souls need when they are struggling than encouragement and support!

We must learn and practice how to listen, empathize, and help people. Group Counseling is an effective space to experience these kinds of safe and vulnerable relationships alongside a counselor who can guide us, enforce boundaries, and model relational dynamics that are validating and encouraging. A common slogan says,” You can only take people as far as you’ve gone yourself,” meaning if you haven’t experienced and practiced openness, vulnerability, and safety, most likely you won’t be able to offer it to others.

Consider Group Counseling to practice life-giving relationships and help you connect to others in similar challenges. The Barnabas Center regularly hosts Group Counseling to help facilitate deep connections with one another around a particular subject and enhance our personal growth and change. Visit our website www.barnabascenterhou.com for current Group Counseling opportunities or reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com with any questions or for more information about Group Counseling.

Brown, B. (2020). The gifts of imperfection. Random House.
Harvath, A. O. (n.d.). Better relationships with patients lead to better outcomes. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/11/ce-corner-relationships

Making Marriage Work

August 5th, 2023
by Leslie Peacock

What We are Missing

Marriage works best when we don’t depend on our spouse to meet all our needs. But isn’t that what marriage is all about?

God created us to have our needs met in developmental relationships that help us learn how to connect deeply, make sense of a broken world, manage our emotions, and understand who we are. This happens in childhood as we grow in the character and abilities that we need to do life. But as we enter adulthood, we are all missing some of the abilities we need for healthy relationships that weren’t fully developed when we were young. No one is complete when they get married.

We all come into marriage missing abilities needed to make marriage work. Marriage requires skills, but where do we learn these skills? We often look to our spouse to help us figure this out, but our spouses can’t fix these broken parts of ourselves. Marriage was never meant to be the place where our unresolved emotional needs are fixed. Rather, marriage should be the fruit of our fullness and growth, not the resource for it.

Great Expectations
Where does the expectation that marriage will make us complete come from? Our culture’s view on marriage certainly influences our perception. Before the 1800’s, enchantment with a spouse was seen as a form of insanity. There was no such thing as romance. But now we operate under the mantra of Frank Sinatra:

“You’re nobody, nobody till somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, gotta get yourself somebody.”

Our culture has created an icon of happiness in romantic relationships. Deep down we want our marriage to be the place where we will get our truest needs met. It certainly fulfills us and transforms us, but marriage isn’t meant to be the only resource for meeting our emotional needs or healing the damaged parts of ourselves.

Marriage and Community
God gave us the gift of one another in the body of Christ to help us heal, grow, and change. The Bible speaks more about oneness, intimacy, and love within God’s people than it does in marriage. The body of Christ isn’t just a group of people to hang out with on Sundays, but a tool God gives us to grow. Just like a plant can’t grow in isolation in the dark, we can’t grow alone either. When we bring our questions, longings, and the
broken parts of us into a relationship, we will begin to grow and change. Deep connection makes our pain more manageable and safer to explore. And these safe relationships within the body of Christ will enhance our marriage and make it work.

What does this look like? One of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to get curious about what you’ve brought with you into your marriage. But we need other people’s eyes to do this. Our friendships or small groups are great for this. Developing deep bonds with others who won’t fix or shame us but instead help us explore more of who we are is life changing. Someone once said the two most powerful words we could ever hear from someone else is, “Me too.”

How to Begin
We need to look for these safe people but also become these people. Counseling is a great place to begin to learn to do both. When our hearts are known in a relationship, they can heal, and a one-on-one counseling relationship gives you the opportunity to be seen and known. Marriage by its very nature has the power of truth and love to show us who we really are, which can be scary but also incredibly freeing. And having a safe and confidential space to explore our vulnerabilities, longings, questions, and desires can enhance our marriage. Real loving intimacy is about people being close and honest and real and learning how to do this in counseling is a gift to help our marriages grow.

The Barnabas Center offers Gospel-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with individuals and couples seeking to enhance their relationship. The Barnabas Center also offers regular seminars and groups on marriage and relationships to help you in your journey as well. If you would like to connect with a counselor or more information on upcoming events, please visit our website at www.barnabascenterhou.com or reach out to us at connect@barnabascenter.com.

Our Anxious Teens
August 5th, 2023

by Leslie Peacock

The Purpose of Fear
Being a teen in today’s world is, in some respects, far more challenging than years before. Many teens today struggle to balance academic, social, and cultural expectations in a world that feels very uncertain and unpredictable. With mass media and a 24/7 news cycle, children are exposed to the reality of national and global perils and frightening possibilities of calamity. There are many sources of fear and anxiety closer to home too: getting bad grades, peer ridicule, not fitting in, not making the team, losing a loved one. The list goes on.

We can’t make these fearful things go away. God consistently says in Scripture that in this world we will have tribulation. Our children will never be free of fear, but we can help our teens develop hearts of courage to face whatever fears and anxieties will certainly come their way.

What is the purpose of fear? Fear is a God-given emotional experience that has purpose in our lives, to help protect us and galvanize us for action. Fear activates our bodies to jump out of the way of a moving car or sprint to catch a child falling off a swing. Fear instructs us to take action when we need to protect ourselves from danger. But how do we know when fear is within a “normal” range or when it is problematic and needs intervention?

Disordered Fear
Fear becomes disordered when we feel like we’re in danger, but we are actually safe. These feelings of anxiety, worry, or nervousness anticipate that something threatening will happen, real or perceived, and lead to symptoms like increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, muscle tension, or avoidance behaviors. Maybe you’ve noticed your teen withdrawing from their normal social activities, exhibit separation anxiety, or display more perfectionistic tendencies than before.

Anxiety is a natural human response to life’s stresses and uncertainties. After all, Jesus instructs Martha not to be anxious when she prepares for his visit. But left unattended, anxiety can grow into a more significant issue impairing your teen’s daily life. Upwards of 30% of adolescents have some sort of anxiety disorder today, which can lead to increased social isolation, depression, and self-harming behaviors.

Hope in Fear
The good news of the Gospel is that God has made us in such a way to have strength and courage to face our fears. The more we live in abiding connection to other people, the less our hearts obsess over the bad things that might happen, and anxiety begins to lose its power. This is where your parenting relationship can shine. Being with your children in their fears rather than trying to fix or minimize them teaches teens how to engage their suffering with a grounded heart in the context of a safe relationship.

What does this sound like? “I am with you in this battle, I’m not going anywhere, we are in this together.” When we bring our pain to a loving and safe relationship, we will grow and change. Love is at the center of growth, and you as a parent can use your loving foundation with your teen to help heal their anxiety as you listen and empathize with them.
And this is exactly how we come to God who is familiar and welcoming of our deepest fears. God is our sympathetic and compassionate high priest who offers the gentle encouragement of his greatest promise to us, “I am with you.”

Help in Our Fear
Sometimes we need to learn new tools to learn how to relate to and love our children. When our kids are suffering, we often feel helpless in our ability to help them, but you don’t have to struggle alone! If you would like additional resources to address your teen’s anxiety or tools to learn how to cultivate a loving and open relationship with your teen, please reach out to The Barnabas Center to connect with a counselor at connect@barnabascenterhou.com. Or, if your teen would like to meet with a counselor to address their anxiety, our counselors are available to walk with your teen in whatever season they find themselves. The Barnabas Center offers Christ-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to come alongside parents and teens as they navigate their emotional journey.

“Be strong and courageous….it is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed” (Deut. 31:7).

Moving Through Grief
August 5th, 2023

by Leslie Peacock

Why is Grief Important?
“This isn’t how I thought it would be….” Many of us have experienced significant loss, change, and transition in our lives that has grieved us and our loved ones. Oftentimes, we just want to get over the loss and move on with our lives. Grief is a complex emotion that includes feelings of sadness, anger, regret, guilt, confusion, and fear. But grief is also an emotional experience that stands out from all the others. When we let ourselves feel the sorrowful truth of our losses, we transition and change. Our hearts will shift from being dominated and controlled by our losses and move to a place where we find resolution and healing. Moving through your grief will transform you. Many of us have experienced the death of a loved one and after grieving we find ourselves in a different place months or years later. That’s because grief is an emotional gift from God to help us heal.

However, many of us are apprehensive to let ourselves grieve. C.S. Lewis famously said, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Facing our feelings of grief is fearful because we are afraid that we’ll get stuck in our sadness. What if we never get out of it? Or, what if our grief changes us? What if our grief feelings make us quieter, angrier, sadder, more cynical, or less social? We don’t want our grief to change who we are, so we often ignore these painful feelings out of fear. More change seems too much to bear as we don’t want grief to disrupt our lives, so we often ignore these painful and upsetting feelings.

Getting Grief Right
What else can keep us from feeling grief? Oftentimes, we feel misunderstood in our feelings of grief, or we feel the pressure from those around us to “move on.” We hear comments like, “Look how strong she is handling his death” instead of “Look how sad she is.” Being strong and stoic seem to be indicators that we are getting our grief right instead of falling apart in the face of tremendous loss. What would it be like if we encouraged one another to be more sad?

But grief isn’t just about death. It can also be about our dreams that don’t come true or relationships that haven’t worked out as we imagined. How many of us are disappointed in where life has led us? How many of us are sad because we aren’t closer with our siblings or family members? How many of us are grieved when a friendship goes awry or when we feel misunderstood at work? There are flaws in every relationship, and grieving helps us to move through these painful feelings towards more acceptance and
freedom in our relationships. When we face our grief, the loss becomes softer, and we become stronger. After all, we are promised that “those who go forth weeping, bearing their seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves” (Psalm 126:6). Our grief is never the end of the story.

Grieving in Community
We aren’t meant to grieve our losses alone. When we face our losses alone, they double; when we share our grief with others, it is halved. Grief counseling allows you the opportunity to share your experience with a trained counselor who can guide you through your grief and offer comfort, understanding, and hope. The Barnabas Center offers Christ-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with you in whatever season of grief you find yourself. We also regularly host Grieving with Hope, a counseling group to help you move through your grief in community. Our losses can torment us, but moving through grief will transform these difficult experiences and restore hope to our lives. To connect with a counselor please contact The Barnabas Center at connect@barnabascenterhou.com or visit our website at www.barnabascenterhou.com for more information about grief counseling.