Letting Go of Perfectionism

What is perfectionism?

“I was genuinely of the belief that perfectionism was the one thing that was holding me up when everything around me was collapsing,” says author Thomas Curran. “But it was actually perfectionism that was creating those problems.”

Perfectionism can blind us to our achievements while enforcing impossible standards upon ourselves. Trying (and failing) to meet these expectations from ourselves can be destructive, and perfectionism can make us vulnerable to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and early death. Basically, it’s the secret ingredient to a miserable life!  

In the 1950’s psychoanalyst Karen Horney described the “tyranny of the shoulds” – defining the inner turmoil we feel when pursuing the elusive idealized version of ourselves. Today’s experience of “shoulds” is exponentially increased– social media, self-help industry, life coaches, personal trainers, positive thinking, manifestation, cosmetic surgery, body-image disorders, all kinds of vitamins and drugs–reflect the increasingly extreme efforts we use to perfect ourselves.

Perfectionism may be a poison, but to many of us, it’s also the antidote. Victoria Pendleton, 6-time world cycling champion said, “I just want to prove that I am really good at something and I haven't quite done that yet–at least not to myself.” Curran summarizes: “Perfectionism isn’t a behavior. It’s a way of thinking about yourself.”

For many of us, perfectionism has provided us with success, approval, and even a sense of mastery in our lives. But it’s also grooving the brain into rigid black-and-white thinking and leaves us paralyzed to make choices that negatively impact our most loving relationships.
By constantly striving for the absolute best we might miss out on opportunities to achieve something that is still good enough. Can good enough be good enough?

How can we recognize perfectionism?

-All-or-nothing thinking
Perfectionists  work hard to achieve lofty goals but will accept nothing less than perfection. Almost perfect is seen as a failure and good enough isn’t an option.

-Being highly critical
A perfectionist focuses on imperfections and has trouble seeing anything else.

-Pushed by fear
Perfectionists are often pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

-Having unrealistic standards
Perfectionists set their initial goals out of reach.

-Focusing only on results
Perfectionists are so concerned with hitting the goal and avoiding failure that they can’t enjoy the process of growing and striving.

Procrastination
Perfectionists will worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and don’t do anything at all.

How do we manage our perfectionism?

-Challenge Your Perfectionistic Thinking
Don’t allow self-critical thoughts or catastrophic thinking to take root and challenge those thoughts.
Instead of thinking: “If I don’t spend at least 5 hours on this presentation, it won’t be any good and I’ll be looked over for the promotion.”
 Try this: “My work track record is pretty good and my presentation is pretty good too. I’ll do the best I can and there will be other opportunities in the future to demonstrate my talent.”

-Be More Compassionate
People who are perfectionists tend to be self-critical. They believe this self-criticism is needed to keep them motivated to achieve. But judgment typically doesn’t work for us and can erode our sense of self-worth and well-being. Being imperfect is part of the human condition.
Instead of thinking: “I’m a terrible mom because I yelled at my kids this morning and I’ll never get it right with them.”
Try this: “My emotions got the best of me and that’s not the end of the world. I can apologize and ask for forgiveness and work to manage my emotions next time.”

-Keep Things In Perspective
Perfectionists tend to get bogged down in the details in an effort to make everything perfect. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself a few questions to put the details into perspective.
Instead of thinking: “I can’t believe I said that–it came out the wrong way and she’ll never forgive me.”
Try this: “What’s the worst that could happen?”Or,  “I can’t read people’s minds and they probably aren’t thinking about me.” Or, “Will this matter next week or even next year?”

-Slowly Let Go of Your Perfectionistic Standards
It’s hard to go from striving for perfection to “good enough” overnight. Thinking of reducing your perfectionistic standards as stepping down some stairs. The first step might be spending 4 hours instead of 5 on your presentation. The next time you may only spend 3 hours. As you slowly let go of those unrealistic standards, you may begin to realize that life will go on.

-Practice Being Imperfect
If you set out to make mistakes and be imperfect, then the thing you’ve been so afraid to do actually becomes a success! When we avoid things, we give them power. So the relief we feel from avoiding mistakes only reinforces it and makes it bigger. By intentionally making a mistake, it takes the power away from the fear of it. You may begin to realize that you are resilient enough to tolerate imperfection.

Voltaire famously said, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”  What would it be like to embrace being “good enough?”

-Embrace God’s Unconditional Love for You
We need the right kind of messages to reinforce our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The Bible is consistent in reminding us of God’s unconditional love for us–no matter our faults or failings:

Deut. 7:6–”For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.”

Zeph. 3:17–”The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Ps. 139:14–”I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.”

Rom. 5:8–”But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were sinners Christ died for us.”

Eph. 2:10–For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”


Finding joy and connection

One more reason to let go of perfectionism–it can deepen your bonds with others and actually lead to more joy! The “Pratfall Effect,” a social psychology concept, suggests that making mistakes actually makes you more likable rather than less likable. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, laugh at our missteps, and to fully engage in an activity without ego, we connect more deeply with others and find some humor along the way.