Making Marriage Work
What We are Missing
Marriage works best when we don’t depend on our spouse to meet all our needs. But isn’t that what marriage is all about?
God created us to have our needs met in developmental relationships that help us learn how to connect deeply, make sense of a broken world, manage our emotions, and understand who we are. This happens in childhood as we grow in the character and abilities that we need to do life. But as we enter adulthood, we are all missing some of the abilities we need for healthy relationships that weren’t fully developed when we were young. No one is complete when they get married.
We all come into marriage missing abilities needed to make marriage work. Marriage requires skills, but where do we learn these skills? We often look to our spouse to help us figure this out, but our spouses can’t fix these broken parts of ourselves. Marriage was never meant to be the place where our unresolved emotional needs are fixed. Rather, marriage should be the fruit of our fullness and growth, not the resource for it.
Great Expectations
Where does the expectation that marriage will make us complete come from? Our culture’s view on marriage certainly influences our perception. Before the 1800’s, enchantment with a spouse was seen as a form of insanity. There was no such thing as romance. But now we operate under the mantra of Frank Sinatra:
“You’re nobody, nobody till somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, gotta get yourself somebody.”
Our culture has created an icon of happiness in romantic relationships. Deep down we want our marriage to be the place where we will get our truest needs met. It certainly fulfills us and transforms us, but marriage isn’t meant to be the only resource for meeting our emotional needs or healing the damaged parts of ourselves.
Marriage and Community
God gave us the gift of one another in the body of Christ to help us heal, grow, and change. The Bible speaks more about oneness, intimacy, and love within God’s people than it does in marriage. The body of Christ isn’t just a group of people to hang out with on Sundays, but a tool God gives us to grow. Just like a plant can’t grow in isolation in the dark, we can’t grow alone either. When we bring our questions, longings, and the broken parts of us into a relationship, we will begin to grow and change. Deep connection makes our pain more manageable and safer to explore. And these safe relationships within the body of Christ will enhance our marriage and make it work.
What does this look like? One of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to get curious about what you’ve brought with you into your marriage. But we need other people’s eyes to do this. Our friendships or small groups are great for this. Developing deep bonds with others who won’t fix or shame us but instead help us explore more of who we are is life changing. Someone once said the two most powerful words we could ever hear from someone else is, “Me too.”
How to Begin
We need to look for these safe people but also become these people. Counseling is a great place to begin to learn to do both. When our hearts are known in a relationship, they can heal, and a one-on-one counseling relationship gives you the opportunity to be seen and known. Marriage by its very nature has the power of truth and love to show us who we really are, which can be scary but also incredibly freeing. And having a safe and confidential space to explore our vulnerabilities, longings, questions, and desires can enhance our marriage. Real loving intimacy is about people being close and honest and real and learning how to do this in counseling is a gift to help our marriages grow.
The Barnabas Center offers Gospel-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with individuals and couples seeking to enhance their relationship. The Barnabas Center also offers regular seminars and groups on marriage and relationships to help you in your journey as well. If you would like to connect with a counselor or more information on upcoming events, please contact The Barnabas Center at https://barnabascenterhou.com/contact/.
Marriage works best when we don’t depend on our spouse to meet all our needs. But isn’t that what marriage is all about?
God created us to have our needs met in developmental relationships that help us learn how to connect deeply, make sense of a broken world, manage our emotions, and understand who we are. This happens in childhood as we grow in the character and abilities that we need to do life. But as we enter adulthood, we are all missing some of the abilities we need for healthy relationships that weren’t fully developed when we were young. No one is complete when they get married.
We all come into marriage missing abilities needed to make marriage work. Marriage requires skills, but where do we learn these skills? We often look to our spouse to help us figure this out, but our spouses can’t fix these broken parts of ourselves. Marriage was never meant to be the place where our unresolved emotional needs are fixed. Rather, marriage should be the fruit of our fullness and growth, not the resource for it.
Great Expectations
Where does the expectation that marriage will make us complete come from? Our culture’s view on marriage certainly influences our perception. Before the 1800’s, enchantment with a spouse was seen as a form of insanity. There was no such thing as romance. But now we operate under the mantra of Frank Sinatra:
“You’re nobody, nobody till somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, gotta get yourself somebody.”
Our culture has created an icon of happiness in romantic relationships. Deep down we want our marriage to be the place where we will get our truest needs met. It certainly fulfills us and transforms us, but marriage isn’t meant to be the only resource for meeting our emotional needs or healing the damaged parts of ourselves.
Marriage and Community
God gave us the gift of one another in the body of Christ to help us heal, grow, and change. The Bible speaks more about oneness, intimacy, and love within God’s people than it does in marriage. The body of Christ isn’t just a group of people to hang out with on Sundays, but a tool God gives us to grow. Just like a plant can’t grow in isolation in the dark, we can’t grow alone either. When we bring our questions, longings, and the broken parts of us into a relationship, we will begin to grow and change. Deep connection makes our pain more manageable and safer to explore. And these safe relationships within the body of Christ will enhance our marriage and make it work.
What does this look like? One of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to get curious about what you’ve brought with you into your marriage. But we need other people’s eyes to do this. Our friendships or small groups are great for this. Developing deep bonds with others who won’t fix or shame us but instead help us explore more of who we are is life changing. Someone once said the two most powerful words we could ever hear from someone else is, “Me too.”
How to Begin
We need to look for these safe people but also become these people. Counseling is a great place to begin to learn to do both. When our hearts are known in a relationship, they can heal, and a one-on-one counseling relationship gives you the opportunity to be seen and known. Marriage by its very nature has the power of truth and love to show us who we really are, which can be scary but also incredibly freeing. And having a safe and confidential space to explore our vulnerabilities, longings, questions, and desires can enhance our marriage. Real loving intimacy is about people being close and honest and real and learning how to do this in counseling is a gift to help our marriages grow.
The Barnabas Center offers Gospel-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with individuals and couples seeking to enhance their relationship. The Barnabas Center also offers regular seminars and groups on marriage and relationships to help you in your journey as well. If you would like to connect with a counselor or more information on upcoming events, please contact The Barnabas Center at https://barnabascenterhou.com/contact/.
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