Maximize Joy
Managing Your Expectations to Maximize Your Joy
Have you ever heard the saying, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations?” It's true that expectations have a significant impact on our happiness. We are happier when reality is aligned with or slightly better than what we expected.
Why are expectations important? Expectations hold our strong beliefs that something will happen in the future. And they are influenced by many things–cultural norms, past experiences, other people, our mindset, and fear of what others may think.
Many of us lower our expectations assuming that something won’t go well in order to manage feeling disappointed and discouraged. But low expectations train us to assume the worst and often hold us back from doing the very things that might increase our joy. Why bother going to that event because no one will talk to you anyways? Or, why bother trying a new restaurant when it’s probably just going to be a letdown? Lowering our expectations helps to manage our emotions and minimize disappointment.
However, research supports the idea that higher expectations can lead to better outcomes and performance. When teachers have higher expectations of their students, students often perform better, even if they don’t show high potential at the outset. This is known as the Pygmalion effect, after the play by George Bernard Shaw, and suggests that someone’s belief in our abilities creates a positive feedback loop that increases our performance and potential. People act as we expect them to act, and our expectations can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Furthermore, our expectations can create brain patterns that can be just as real as those created by events in the world. This is known as Expectancy theory and leads to psychological shifts like the placebo effect. For example, if someone is given a sugar pill but thinks it is real medicine, they may report feeling the side effects of the drug. Our perception of an activity or experience can define our reality of it.
So, what’s the answer? Should we lower expectations or expect the best?
Expecting Things to Go Well
Thinking positively has been shown to improve our overall health and contribute to well-being. Optimists are more likely to engage in physical exercise, eat healthy, sleep well, and follow medical advice. Optimism reduces stress and promotes production of dopamine, which is like fuel for our brain. Dopamine makes us happy, increases our motivation, and also nudges us to take more risks. So, expecting the best could have a significant impact on our health and mood.
What would it look like to expect things to go well?
-Try increasing your expectations when parking. If you’re pulling into a parking lot, imagine that you’ll find a good spot. Whether or not the parking space materializes, you may feel liberated not spending the entire time stressing about it.
-Or at work–instead of telling yourself that work will be frustrating, try setting your expectations higher: “I’m expecting that this meeting will go well and my ideas will be heard.”
-Many of us struggle with falling asleep. Try increasing your expectations before sleep and if you wake up in the middle of the night, say to yourself, “I expect that I’ll fall back asleep quickly.” You may fall asleep faster than you think!
But what happens when we set too high expectations on ourselves? When we don’t meet our own expectations our brain shifts into protection mode to preserve our self worth. How many times have you gone to a workout expecting to perform at a certain level and then beat yourself up afterwards because you couldn’t meet your standard? Or for a presentation, a date, a holiday? Doubt, insecurity, and fear abound when we set high expectations and fail to meet them. So, is lowering our expectations the answer?
Expecting Things to Get Worse
Many of us would prefer to expect the worst in a situation, considering all possible negative outcomes, and being pleasantly surprised if it goes well. One research study on expectations had adults play a game that was rigged and half the group would win and the other half would lose. All received a pencil as their prize, whether they won or lost. Adults who won the game reported significant disappointment at the pencil prize while those who lost and still got the pencil reported feeling moderately good. Our expectations influence how we think about the outcome especially when we set them too high.
But sometimes expecting the worst can actually bring out the worst. If you expect something to go wrong, you may put in less effort and make it worse than it would have been. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy in reverse: constantly ruminating on bad experiences from the past, replaying mistakes in your head, making pessimistic predictions about the future, always zeroing in on the negatives, and thinking your negative predictions are inevitable and you have no control over them.
Even though adjusting our expectations to reality is important, low expectations can keep you from taking risks and making efforts that lead to more joy, success, and connection. And over time can shrink your world and leave you feeling more discouraged and isolated.
Meeting in the Middle
So what can we do about the paradox of expectations? How do you set expectations of yourself and others without causing undue pressure, stress, and threat? How do you strive for more while holding outcomes lightly? Should you set the bar low so you don’t get disappointed or set the bar high to stretch yourself?
This question reminds me of the caterpillar sitting on the mushroom in Alice and Wonderland. You may remember that Alice can’t tell whether she wants to be bigger or smaller and the caterpillar tells her to nibble on one side of the mushroom to get taller and the other side to get smaller.
In some situations we need to adjust our expectations to match the reality of the situation. When we anticipate a vacation, expect that some things won’t go according to plans. When we host a family gathering, we have to lower our expectations for what family members are able to give to us relationally. At work, we have to expect that people will disappoint us –no one is perfect and people make mistakes.
This requires psychological flexibility–the capacity to be in contact with what is happening in the present, adapt to changes, and react in creative and healthy ways according to what we value. We can make back-up plans for a trip, talk to family about expectations for the gathering, and discuss work values with our co-workers to manage our standards.
But to live life as God intended, we also have to expect more. Throughout the Bible, God encourages hope in his people:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).
“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint” (Isa. 40:31).
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13).
We’re even told in Romans 12:12 to “rejoice in hope.” Because God has given us all we need in Christ we can have an optimistic view of our lives and our future. We don’t have to expect the worst in every situation to protect ourselves because we can trust that God has the best in mind for us, no matter the outcome.
If we are discouraged because something didn’t go as planned, devastated by a relationship, or even grieved from a loss–we can persevere through those unmet expectations from hope that there is something better on the other side of our sadness. “We glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Rom. 5:3-4). God is with us in our expectations, our disappointments, our hopes, and our desires–may we continue to trust God in every area of our life as we look forward to what is to come.
Have you ever heard the saying, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations?” It's true that expectations have a significant impact on our happiness. We are happier when reality is aligned with or slightly better than what we expected.
Why are expectations important? Expectations hold our strong beliefs that something will happen in the future. And they are influenced by many things–cultural norms, past experiences, other people, our mindset, and fear of what others may think.
Many of us lower our expectations assuming that something won’t go well in order to manage feeling disappointed and discouraged. But low expectations train us to assume the worst and often hold us back from doing the very things that might increase our joy. Why bother going to that event because no one will talk to you anyways? Or, why bother trying a new restaurant when it’s probably just going to be a letdown? Lowering our expectations helps to manage our emotions and minimize disappointment.
However, research supports the idea that higher expectations can lead to better outcomes and performance. When teachers have higher expectations of their students, students often perform better, even if they don’t show high potential at the outset. This is known as the Pygmalion effect, after the play by George Bernard Shaw, and suggests that someone’s belief in our abilities creates a positive feedback loop that increases our performance and potential. People act as we expect them to act, and our expectations can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Furthermore, our expectations can create brain patterns that can be just as real as those created by events in the world. This is known as Expectancy theory and leads to psychological shifts like the placebo effect. For example, if someone is given a sugar pill but thinks it is real medicine, they may report feeling the side effects of the drug. Our perception of an activity or experience can define our reality of it.
So, what’s the answer? Should we lower expectations or expect the best?
Expecting Things to Go Well
Thinking positively has been shown to improve our overall health and contribute to well-being. Optimists are more likely to engage in physical exercise, eat healthy, sleep well, and follow medical advice. Optimism reduces stress and promotes production of dopamine, which is like fuel for our brain. Dopamine makes us happy, increases our motivation, and also nudges us to take more risks. So, expecting the best could have a significant impact on our health and mood.
What would it look like to expect things to go well?
-Try increasing your expectations when parking. If you’re pulling into a parking lot, imagine that you’ll find a good spot. Whether or not the parking space materializes, you may feel liberated not spending the entire time stressing about it.
-Or at work–instead of telling yourself that work will be frustrating, try setting your expectations higher: “I’m expecting that this meeting will go well and my ideas will be heard.”
-Many of us struggle with falling asleep. Try increasing your expectations before sleep and if you wake up in the middle of the night, say to yourself, “I expect that I’ll fall back asleep quickly.” You may fall asleep faster than you think!
But what happens when we set too high expectations on ourselves? When we don’t meet our own expectations our brain shifts into protection mode to preserve our self worth. How many times have you gone to a workout expecting to perform at a certain level and then beat yourself up afterwards because you couldn’t meet your standard? Or for a presentation, a date, a holiday? Doubt, insecurity, and fear abound when we set high expectations and fail to meet them. So, is lowering our expectations the answer?
Expecting Things to Get Worse
Many of us would prefer to expect the worst in a situation, considering all possible negative outcomes, and being pleasantly surprised if it goes well. One research study on expectations had adults play a game that was rigged and half the group would win and the other half would lose. All received a pencil as their prize, whether they won or lost. Adults who won the game reported significant disappointment at the pencil prize while those who lost and still got the pencil reported feeling moderately good. Our expectations influence how we think about the outcome especially when we set them too high.
But sometimes expecting the worst can actually bring out the worst. If you expect something to go wrong, you may put in less effort and make it worse than it would have been. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy in reverse: constantly ruminating on bad experiences from the past, replaying mistakes in your head, making pessimistic predictions about the future, always zeroing in on the negatives, and thinking your negative predictions are inevitable and you have no control over them.
Even though adjusting our expectations to reality is important, low expectations can keep you from taking risks and making efforts that lead to more joy, success, and connection. And over time can shrink your world and leave you feeling more discouraged and isolated.
Meeting in the Middle
So what can we do about the paradox of expectations? How do you set expectations of yourself and others without causing undue pressure, stress, and threat? How do you strive for more while holding outcomes lightly? Should you set the bar low so you don’t get disappointed or set the bar high to stretch yourself?
This question reminds me of the caterpillar sitting on the mushroom in Alice and Wonderland. You may remember that Alice can’t tell whether she wants to be bigger or smaller and the caterpillar tells her to nibble on one side of the mushroom to get taller and the other side to get smaller.
In some situations we need to adjust our expectations to match the reality of the situation. When we anticipate a vacation, expect that some things won’t go according to plans. When we host a family gathering, we have to lower our expectations for what family members are able to give to us relationally. At work, we have to expect that people will disappoint us –no one is perfect and people make mistakes.
This requires psychological flexibility–the capacity to be in contact with what is happening in the present, adapt to changes, and react in creative and healthy ways according to what we value. We can make back-up plans for a trip, talk to family about expectations for the gathering, and discuss work values with our co-workers to manage our standards.
But to live life as God intended, we also have to expect more. Throughout the Bible, God encourages hope in his people:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).
“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint” (Isa. 40:31).
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13).
We’re even told in Romans 12:12 to “rejoice in hope.” Because God has given us all we need in Christ we can have an optimistic view of our lives and our future. We don’t have to expect the worst in every situation to protect ourselves because we can trust that God has the best in mind for us, no matter the outcome.
If we are discouraged because something didn’t go as planned, devastated by a relationship, or even grieved from a loss–we can persevere through those unmet expectations from hope that there is something better on the other side of our sadness. “We glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Rom. 5:3-4). God is with us in our expectations, our disappointments, our hopes, and our desires–may we continue to trust God in every area of our life as we look forward to what is to come.
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