Grief at the Holidays – Part 1: Grief as an Emotion

Why the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Can Be the Hardest
The holiday season is a wonderful time of the year. But it can also be a very challenging time too. Many of us have lost loved ones during the holidays. Or, missing our loved ones at special meals and holiday celebrations brings up a lot of sadness this time of year. Many parties and gatherings take place with family, friends, or co-workers. But those events can also bring up painful feelings too. Someone recently reflected to me that she couldn’t bring herself to attend her office Christmas party alone again this year. The shame of going alone to an event without a spouse or significant other felt unbearable. Feelings of loneliness can increase our sadness and depression at a time when we feel like we’re supposed to be joyful. Author Nicholas Wolterstorff says this about grief: “Grief is a special kind of suffering. It’s intensely wanting what you know cannot be.” How do we deal with our grief at the holidays but also celebrate the joy and hope of the season?
 
An Emotional Rollercoaster
            First, let’s understand what grief is exactly. Grief is a complex set of emotions that includes feelings of sadness, anger, regret, guilt, confusion, and fear. Grief can feel like riding an “emotional rollercoaster.” We feel grief when we’ve lost something. Loss can take on many forms—it can come from a death or a physical loss like losing your job or your home. Loss can happen when we get a devastating health diagnosis or an unmet dream or desire goes unfulfilled. We assumed our life would turn out differently, and feelings of frustration, sadness, and grief take over.
All emotions are important information about what’s going on inside us. 
Different senses bring us news from our bodies, our minds, and the outside world. Our brain then processes and analyzes it and formulates our experience. Then, we get a feeling! The word emotion means to “move” or “excite,” and our bodies respond accordingly. Grief fills our bodies with feeling: we get tense from guilt or regret, sluggish from sadness, or sometimes explosive frustration from feelings of anger.
 
Listening to Your Grief
So why is listening to our emotions significant? Oftentimes, our feelings can be inconvenient or confusing. They tend to get in the way, so we shut them down to move on with life. If we ignore our feelings, they will go away, right? But our unattended emotions don’t go away if we just ignore them. Rather, they get bigger, and they get transmitted in other harmful ways. You might find yourself angrier and yelling more than usual. Or maybe you feel a debilitating anxiety when you wake up or go to sleep. Ignoring your feelings only makes them stronger and more defective. Author Mark Brackett puts it this way: “Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile like a debt that will eventually come due.”
 
Listening to our feelings is the first step in moving through them so they don’t cause more damage. This is like attending to the “check engine” light in our cars—we must investigate what the light means so the car doesn’t break down. But an important note: Just because we listen to what our emotions are telling us doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Your sadness might be telling you that your grief is so overwhelming you don’t think you can get through it….life feels hopeless! So, you need to stay in bed all day. This information about your sadness is important to understand about what is happening inside of you, but you don’t necessarily need to act on your sadness. Just as checking the engine light helps us to know about the car’s issue, so too our emotions can help us to know what’s going on inside of us. Rather than stuffing your sadness or just reacting to it, listening to what it is telling you can help guide you in how to effectively respond to your feelings of grief.
 
Moving Through Grief During the Holidays
So how do we deal with grief during the holidays? I’ve heard countless people cry in frustration that they don’t want to feel sad this time of the year, but they can’t stop the tears. Rather than fearing the emotional rollercoaster that our grief can take us on, consider how you can ride the emotional waves of grief instead. Waves come and go; sometimes they feel big like they will overtake us, but they also recede. A surfer doesn’t fight a wave that comes their way but moves with it and rides its natural tide and we can do the same with our emotions. And knowing the waves are temporary may help us not to fear them quiet so much.  
 
As feelings of regret, frustration, or sadness come up, show yourself compassion towards these feelings rather than beating yourself up for them. The holiday season brings our losses into sharper focus than other months—that’s okay! We don’t feel our grief in August or February like we do in the month of December. Give yourself permission to feel sad. Looking through photos, listening to nostalgic music, or watching a movie you enjoyed with your loved one are all part of the grieving process. Some experiences draw us into intense emotions related to loss, and there can be a sweetness in the pain we feel when priming our memories of shared experiences that we can never have again.
 
On the other hand, we need to balance these activities with more restoration-oriented behaviors. Busy-work activities like raking leaves, cleaning the house, or physical exercise can be a balm for the grieving heart. Spending time with people who care about us can distract us from grief too. Consider volunteering and serving during the holidays. Serving others reduces our stress and boosts our mood, self-esteem, and joy.
 
There is no right or wrong in grieving during the holiday season. It’s a season mixed with joy and sorrow, and we have a savior who knows those experiences well: “the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). Christians celebrate Advent beginning on the fourth Sunday before Christmas. Advent is derived from the Latin word meaning “coming” or “arrival.” It is a season when we look back to Christ’s first coming, as a baby born in Bethlehem, and look forward to his second coming when he will return to renew and redeem every part of fallen creation. Jesus Christ has come and will come again. The Advent season is a time to reflect upon the promises of God and to anticipate the fulfillment of those promises. It is a time for remembering and rejoicing. If you are grieving, Advent is a season to help to guide you in your grief, in both remembering and looking ahead. Pastor Tim Keller says, “God is very patient with us when we are desperate. Pour out your soul to him.” After all, we are promised that “those who go forth weeping, bearing their seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves” (Psalm 126:6). Our grief is never the end of the story.  
 
Reach out to us at connect@barnabascenterhou.com if you would like to connect with a counselor this holiday season. We don’t want you to struggle alone! The Barnabas Center offers Gospel-centered professional counseling to members at Christ the King and our community, and we count it a privilege to walk with you in whatever season of grief you find yourself. We also regularly host Grieving with Hope, a counseling group to help you move through your grief in community. Please visit www.barnabascenterhou.com for information about The Barnabas Center and upcoming groups.